Thursday 19th May

When life twists and turns the way mine does, I’m never quite sure if this is real life, my drugs, chronic pain or just delusions brought on by the madness! But things seem to be on the up – and I’m still coping with 50mcg of morphine and extra codeine for tougher days, so I think we're doing okay at the moment!

My big news is that I’ve been given my first proper commission in quite a while – I’m working for a documentary film producer (Mike) on a voiceover script for a documentary that Andy is editing, which is fabulous luck – I am so enjoying myself – I can even cope with the disaster that is my life when I’m writing and my man and kids are close by:):)

I’m writing about this couple and the adventure they had travelling from England to Australia then back – then back again! Even more amazing was that this was in the late 1950s – it took 16 weeks and 2 days (or 114 days) and the whole story is so interesting – my geography skills are coming on a treat! The couple have cinefilm footage of their journey so it’s fabulous to watch!

Mike’s a photographer by trade and this is his first documentary – Andy had been asked to film it two years ago but this was just as my health took a real nosedive and he couldn’t very well go to Australia and leave me with two toddlers. At the time I was adamant he should go, but I now realise why he didn't. His workload was heavy at that time though and now he’s editing it so it’s worked really well for him - and me!.

Tuesday 17th May

Missed both Yoga sessions this week as I’m too sore! Monday or Tuesday but could not bring myself to do it - I was so fed up! May also be because I’m trying to cope with only 50mcg of morphine again, so I'm battling with withdrawal ( tiredness and rattycow-i-tis) as there’s a chance of some writing work and I must get the codeine and morphine levels down so I can concentrate. I know it sounds silly but I can’t focus or write particularly well dosed up on all my drugs, as is probably very evident! I’m in danger of becoming a Wright Stuff  devotee as all I can manage is that and coffee on a bad day followed by a snooze. NO NO NO!!!

I’m starting to be snappy with the kids on just 50mcg and on a very short fuse with Andy which does not help matters. So I do need to see the doc soon and have an overhaul.

All systems go methinks.

Wednesday 11th May

Attended a two hour Yoga session yesterday. Such a lovely group of people - mainly women from 25 up to maybe 65 then a couple of guys too who are doing it on the advice of the physio after an op or accident. Very anxious before hand and was expecting a room full of Jane Fonda's but everyone waws quite normal and a good mix of ages and backgrounds so I didn't feel too intimidated!Mum came along too (looking much more at home than me it has to said) and we took things very gently. Lots of stretches and balances so I spent most of the time leaning against a wall - make of that what you will. Really enjoyed it though and felt fabulous afterwards - I'd forgotten what a rush endorphines give you after exercise - a great feeling. Today I'm a bit creaky as I’ve inflamed all the muscles and joints so I’m not doing so well - this is my payback for Yoga. I'm also up to 75 mcg again of morphine which is such a nuisance. It was much better than Pilates though –for me- and I was able to manage some of it but needed a cushion or gym ball – the teacher adapted everything for me. Sitting on a cushion, knees bent or on a gym ball, sitting on gym ball or taking care not to widen legs and hips.

Yoga does seem to be bit more manageable – will attempt it again next week but now know to do just a one hour session – my life is real trial and error with a measure of bloody determination thrown in - that's for sure!

Friday 6th May

I think I’m definitely going back to church – it seems a bit of a miracle Karen( our vicar) visiting at my lowest point yesterday although Andy would disagree! I was so down – Andy was ill with a sickness bug passed on by Max so its been hectic to say the least – I was feeling down in the dumps and then Karen arrived and we just chatted. I was able to map out my plans and offload a bit. Poor Karen – I’m not sure she was expecting me to be quite the mess I was when she popped over. But I was feeling much better when she left! I like to think there is a reason why my life has been turned upside down – but in the words of John Denver there is no rhyme or reason – I do know that, but would like to get some solace and respite from the fun and games we’ve been having these past months.

Having said that, Andy is really ill and confined to bed poor thing after Max has had three days of vomiting and is just back to school – poor love. Nasty bugs making the kids sick – Max likes to share everything with his daddy! I still seem to be immune from these things – still immune after 12 yrs teaching even though I’ve been out of the classroom for 5 years!

Tuesday 3rd May

I seem to have lost my April blog somewhere in cyber space. Never mind.

Last month I've been having positive little breakthroughs with my health which is having a huge knock on effect with every other aspect of my life. I’ve had a very rough few weeks bringing my morphine levels down from 75mcg to 62mcg – when I had my op back in November 2010 coming off tramadol was terrifying – reading Trainspotting gives occasional insight in to Heroin withdrawal and it’s not far off if I’m honest. Wasps crawling out from within is as close as I can get to the sensation you feel when your body craves tramadol. Last month I’ve been going through something similar coming off that level of morphine. I’ve also lost things, fallen, lost my balance a few times, broken crockery, chipped plates but somehow managed to keep up pretences on the mummy front, although I’ve not been as patient as normal – must try harder!. I’ve had no appetite either which has been a nuisance and have not slept – I will talk to A about it but his uncle is really ill and I don’t want to add to his problems. We’ll see. No I will chat to him – he needs to know and we’ve always talked – it’s so important to let each other know what’s going on. Glass of wine and heart to heart tonight. Wish me luck!

Friday 25th March

Faith in God, faith in others, faith in myself. All three of which I lost sight of a couple of years ago when my life seemed untenable. Yesterday I was at rock bottom. A mixture of disappointment in my health problems even after an operation I thought would change my life for the better, finality regarding my future job prospects, my need to increase medication, and the groundhog day that is my life at present just were too much.

Today has been a strangely calm day, my future plans were sketched out in light of all the answers I received this week.

All I can imagine is that by accepting my health limitations and choosing to work with what I’ve got, I can only be successful. I write every day and will continue to do so. I have a children’s novel completed, another in the planning stages, two short stories on the go, a wealth of articles on a few well researched themes and hope to one day write grown-up fiction too. I have plans for a self help book or two but as I know very little about them, I need to take that slowly.

 I do the best I can as a wife and mother – the mother bit I seem to be managing okay, not sure I’m great wife material anymore - I support my friends in any which way I can and I promise to develop those parts of myself which need nurturing. I turned my back on God as a teenager, then became involved in a lovely church community through a dear friend in 2000. When we moved away and I became ill, around the time of 9/11 and my father in law becoming ill with cancer, I couldn’t reconcile attending church each week with how I felt about God and so turned away.  I hope to find comfort in my faith now, but feel outside of the club somehow – not quite trusting of it, or believing of it enough. Not because of my illness, or the deaths my family have endured recently – if anything, I recognise that these are just part of the tapestry as it were. But where Buddhism recognises suffering as something to free ourselves of and death is the price we pay for our mortality, Christianity seems to dwell forever on this bringing us closer to the human God – Jesus – by dying – and I’m certainly not ready for that!. Not sure I agree. Maybe Christianity isn’t for me after all. I think I’m a seeker and searcher who draws from many teachings. One day I hope I’ll find something to help me.

Ramblings of a morphine addled thinker :)