Wednesday 23rd March

When you work towards something, you always hope for the best. Over the last five years, I’ve always envisaged myself back in the classroom one day, perhaps never reaching Deputy Head status as I had been doing in 2006, but at least back doing my thing again after the op.

I knew a month or so ago that this was becoming less likely as time ticked on. Although my pelvis is now stabilised and I’m harnessed together with metal plates and screws, there was still a lot of pain and that was always going to be a possibility.

When I agreed to surgery, Mr Gibson explained that although there were no guarantees, the existence I was having was pretty miserable (pain wise) and so it was a risk worth taking and all I needed to know was that this would not increase my pain.

Falling a few weeks ago taught me that I’m a little more delicate now as falling affects me differently. I bruise easily and restrict my movement because of pain, so moving a little more each day is vital.

In the consultation today, I asked if I will work again. Mr G was very sensitive but clear when he said “Do I think you’ll be able to stand for eight hours in front of a class of kids each day? No I don’t.” He reiterated that I should be focusing on the improvements I make every day and be lifted by those. I need to reframe my focus from “When do I get back to work?” to “Can I do something new each day?”

I’ve come home and been a mess ever since.