Tuesday 9th March

Meltdown. Going to see Mr G tomorrow to see what is going on. Can’t go on like this – I’m 38 and the last 4 years have disappeared in a haze of morphine. Spent the day attached to hot water bottle watching reruns of Super Nanny – not a good place.

Pain is impossible to cope with – rather, endure - when it is constant. This is how I used to be and I’d started tasting life without the searing hot poker pains across my back, down my right hip, across my previous fractures. Life feels shockingly unfair today, although I have improved in the way I handled myself today - my OT at the Pain Clinic has been having an effect after all!

Today, I stopped myself ordering more Oramorph (liquid morphine) and stopped myself taking a hit from a hidden pack of Tramadol. The anti-depressants aren’t even in my system anymore and this gives me a little more fight I think. Whereas, previously, I would have got on top of the pain by battening down the hatches, dosing myself up to within an inch of my life and sleeping the day away, I rang my physio and asked her what to do. Yes, I was a wee bit wobbly and tearful, but I was able to explain about the fall and ask her advice. God love ‘er.

I followed her instructions, rang my consultant’s secretary and wobbled a little more. Of course, then I was taken straight under her wing, given an appointment for tomorrow and told to ring straight away next time, should I be stupid enough to fall over again(my words, not hers – I think she said ‘should another incident occur’ )  :) Mum got here for the boys coming home and helped me with their tea and bedtime. She is my rock. 

Good job. Done.

I will not sleep. I will be a nervous wreck. But tomorrow, I will be a non-sleeping nervous wreck who knows her next step.