Life Beyond the Chalk Face: Chronic Pain, Mental Health Challenges and Self Care

I want to share the following blog entry with you. I wrote it in May 2019 but I didn't want to publish it back then. Unbeknown to me at the time, I had Fibromyalgia and ME, depression, the early stages of arthritis, I was peri-menopausal, I had regular migraines and somehow had  two slipped discs. I was living on codeine and ibuprofen, sugar, caffeine and carbs, running myself down even though I thought that feeding myself in this way, quick low calorie fixes so I could get back to work, was the best way.

 

Looking back, I was just too tired to make myself lunches and proper meals so would opt for cup-a-soups, toast, noodles, coffee and sweets each day. I was not looking after myself very well at all. I had regular headaches, poor sleep and my digestive system was all over the place with stomach ulcers popping up here and there. I know I was not in a minority. I've talked to friends over the years who have left their high-stress job after becoming diagnosed with immune system related conditions such as M.E. and Lupus. One friend developed epilepsy, one had a stroke, there were many whose mental health suffered, causing serious issues and conditions. This obviously doesn't just relate to teaching, but to any high pressure, high stress career where you invest so much of yourself, you lose yourself along the way. 

When I started working, I had no idea how my working life would progress and I certainly had no set plans. I suppose I drifted, responded to the needs of the school, filling curriculum leader posts that came up, not necessarily ones I'd ever really considered but I always enjoyed them and gave them my all. I had no game plan. I worked as hard as I could every day and evening, making sure I was prepared for the next day. But I've spoken to others who worked in this way. Some are still working and are healthy. Some are not. I have no real answers as to why my health faltered and other people's didn't. I imagine it's because of my underlying health conditions, my age and now what I recognise as depression.

Anyway, this is the blog entry, written the same year I left teaching for good.

Today I failed.

I attended an interview and served my heart and liver on a plate yet it wasn't quite enough.

I won't go in to the details but the evidence was there to suggest I was perhaps too old, too expensive and may I say it, a little too deviant (in terms of following lesson plans) for the head teacher's liking.

I altered my lesson during the observation to accommodate the fact that students were not secure in the prior learning I'd been assured they had already worked on and so I increased the time allocation of my introduction and multiplication warm-up before moving on to the fun investigation I had planned, adding ten minutes to the session.

That cost me the interview.

You may argue - as did the head teacher - that I had twenty minutes to prove my worth, not thirty. And so I failed.

However, as a previously senior teacher who has sat in on this process many times, the usual procedure is to allow staff to teach and then reflect on the lesson - as I tried to today before being shown the door.

Hmm.

I wonder if I am missing something here.

The class went on to enjoy the investigation once they were secure in their understanding of multiples of 3 and 6.

I kind of wish I'd just bulldozed ahead and taught the lesson showcasing my fun 'how many aliens can you fit in a space pod' investigation without too much prior warm-up.

But that's just not my way.

Then I go to thinking - is the problem me? Do I need reassurance from the children that they are secure in a skill too much?
Would the children have just come along with me eventually and 'got it' and should I have just ploughed ahead regardless?
There seems to be a school of thinking that we now teach to the middle and more able, hoping that the rest will catch up, a theory totally at odds with my philosophy. I always hope I'm bringing the majority with me by the time i get to the main activity, not just 6-8 students.

I am cast adrift I fear. Is it my age? Early menopause? Is my arthritis setting in? I'm exhausted all the time, tearful and light headed a lot. I might be anaemic. I do seem to be eating pain killers like smarties. I'll make a doctor's appointment. 

So, I came home to peruse the job listings once more in the vain hope that one of the adverts says - Kate WE NEED YOU! (And I also made that appointment)

But, I'm no longer even sure what my USP is. The skills I have which I feel are hugely relevant no longer seem important or at least favoured; my differentiating for students with additional needs, my child-centred teaching, my behaviour management and SEN training, my music, etc.

I know I can teach, differentiate, support, assess, move children forward, work as a team, plan creatively, work late in to the night, run a home and be a relatively successful single mother, but I don't fit the most recent E-fit for the perfect teacher. I'm no longer a SENCo from next month so trying to move back in to the classroom when it seems the whole way of teaching has changed is quite daunting. Moving schools might be a step too far. This definitely is.

Bugger.

I either stay where I am, which is a lovely school, but I'll be in class full time, or maybe supply teaching beckons once more. I really don't think I could manage the work load in a full time class, even though I've been told I just need to work smarter not harder. I have no clue how to do that! Lord above. 

Watch this space.

Wow. What would I have told my 2019 self if I could have travelled back to give her a pep talk? I'm not sure she could have done anything differently except perhaps ask for a referral to an M.E. Clinic - I didn't even know there were such things back then! I'd probably tell her not to freak out but she'd find herself not teaching in the not too distant future, and that everything was going to be okay. Her difficulties were linked to her health mainly. Maybe teaching methods were changing and if she'd been healthy enough she might have decided to work in a different, less stressful job like a library or a book shop instead. Or in school with less responsibilities, I'm not sure. I'd tell her to eat properly. Woman can not live on cup-a-soup alone. Eat more fruit and veg, eat more beans and pulses, drink more water. Drink less alcohol. Try not to worry. Worrying changes nothing. And don't forget to make time for self-care! Whether that's swimming, meditation, Tai Chi, starting a journal or listening to your favourite music. You are important too!