The previous time I'd been hit like this was when I had to stop working through ill health in October 2016 and the enormous hole left in my life just completely floored me. At that time I made it my mission to feel better. I first tried yoga which i found very relaxing and inclusive until I strained my back doing twists I'd been advised not to do. I went weekly to physiotherapy to help my balance and walking until I felt able to leave the house using two sticks. Prior to that I didn't leave the house. I took up Tai Chi daily for balance and relaxation following a session at Northern General Hospital in Sheffield, mindfulness for stress and self calming strategies and it all helped over time until I started feeling more positively about my new life. I started attending festivals again and music events, meeting friends for coffee - as long as i didn't have to walk anywhere much I was okay. My Dad bought me a camping chair which I would set up for an event then pack up and throw over my shoulder after my day out. I loved this new found freedom. I was in a good place.
In October 2017, after many appointments and a year of letters and form filling, assessments and consultations, I received medical retirement on the grounds of ill health. Only one other person in the borough had been offered it to my union rep's knowledge. It indicated that I was unable to work in any capacity. I did not handle it well, even though it was he result I had hoped for. If I could not work, then I would volunteer.
Soon after, I was offered the chance to use my writing to promote and support unsigned musicians on a voluntary basis. I took on this challenge and I loved it. I spent a year travelling around meeting promoters, musicians and venue owners, writing reviews of gigs, introductions and interviews with bands - established and new - and it was fab. The drive these bands had spurred me on to do as much as I could to support them in their bid to play their music to audiences across the city.
We started putting on gigs in local venues, then those further afield and I found myself working many hours a day in between naps and physio trying to keep up. The pace was incredibly fast and I struggled to keep up more and more until my health just took another nose dive! I had again used something to distract me from my real self. I was behaving as if I could work, albeit voluntarily, only this time the consequences were huge.
Not only had my mood crashed but I could not walk around the house. I was dizzy, having one panic attack after the other, feeling sick, sleeping while the boys were at school - it was just a mess and I had no idea what was going on. Everyone I spoke to just sat with me and let me moan. Life wasn't fair. I was letting people down. I wanted to be useful and now I wasn't.
One morning I woke up with chest pains. I did my morning Tai Chi and spoke to a friend on the phone. Next thing I knew I woke up face down on my carpet, my body twisted and hurting, my chest tight.
I rang an ambulance after my parents and a friend came over to tell me that's what I needed to do. After many tests and scans, my consultant ruled out cancer, Multiple Sclerosis and Motor Neurone Disease to name but a few. But my depression was worse, my blood sugar was incredibly low, I was suffering from complete exhaustion and my CFS/ME had worsened considerably. I was not pacing myself. I was not eating properly. I was not sleeping. I had become very anxious about practically everything. I was falling apart.
I was ignoring symptoms until I crashed and would spend a couple of days being active at the expense of the rest of the week. I didn't hide this from anyone - in fact I told anyone who'd listen I was having to write from the sofa when I could as I was running myself into the ground over a couple of days. My motto was 'If life gives you lemons, make a gin and tonic' and I was. Far too many while pushing myself, masking the pain with alcohol and medication so I could pretend for a couple of days a week I was absolutely fine.
A week later I broke down at my doctors. She reminded me that I was medically retired due to chronic pain and ME and was on maximum doses of meds and seemed to be taking more codeine on top of that just to keep up with people, something I really didn't need to do. She said, eyebrows raaised, that my health had indeed crashed and my symptoms were worsening. This would continue if I didn't stop living the way I was living. I had to accept my situation and maintain my current health before I made matters worse. Self-care was a priority.
I offered to still write for people but could not commit to any deadlines so decided to bow out of that situation all together. I must admit, I did hide away for a while and spent most of July and August crying every time I talked about it or saw one of my articles online. Even now I miss that time but my doctor had laid it on the line. I had to make big changes. This notion of self-care was completely alien to me. I always popped myself at the bottom of my list as many single mums do! My priorities were my children and paying my bills. If there was time or spare funds then I had spent anything spare on putting gigs on, travelling, promoting gigs and so on. I had some learning to do.
I was offered a higher dose of anti-depressants and gladly accepted them. My meds for nerve damage were upped again and I was put forward for one to one phone counselling which i accepted rather cynically. How was that going to help? My situation felt hopeless.
Yet, with the support of my family, friends and key professionals, the next twelve weeks were life changing.
